Have you ever been cut off by a driver when you’re trying to do a tricky lane change? It happened to us the other day. As we moved to merge in with a busy lane of traffic a driver in a van pulled out from the lane we were in and proceeded to roar past us.

Our first reaction was what an impatient, inconsiderate, unsafe person. The whole of our car was certain he was probably just rude. How quick we were to assume the other driver's personality.

The reality was though we knew nothing about the driver. For all we know there may have been a host of reasons he could have been in a rush, he may have been late to pick up someone off a plane, one of the occupants in his car may have been sick, he could have been racing to take his daughter to an interview for her dream job. While none of these excuse dangerous driving, they are a reminder that this behaviour was more likely to have been motivated by circumstance rather than a personality flaw.

This need to assert personality as the cause of behaviours which are more a result of what is happening or has happened for a person is called “Fundamental Attribution Error”. It occurs a lot and we are all prone to it.

One of the big problems with this error when working through a change process is that the moment we believe that a person's actions and behaviours are caused largely by their personality we then see change as much harder. When it is personality we believe it is innate. However, when it is driven by external factors we feel more able to influence or alter those in order to bring about a change in what the person does.

While behaviour is the result of circumstance we are also more willing to intervene and feel we have the ability to support changes in the environment.

When it is in the personality we may feel empowered to say something. But often we do this in a way that points out the personality flaw, as opposed to providing support to identify what circumstance may have created the issue and assistance to alleviate the causes.
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So next time you are ready to blame a person's personality for what they are doing, take a little time and see if you can find the other factors that may be creating the behaviour. When you do you are likely to find that resolving the issues is easier than you may at first have thought. 

Gosh it is hard when something is so clear and obvious, and it is right there and the person you are working with just can’t see it. You just want to shake them, or yell at them or find some other way to just squeeze it into their realisation, “aaahhh” the frustration of it all.

And have you seen how the more frustrated and angry you get the less they seem to comprehend. They go from being confused to just down right stubborn and immobile. What is it with this, why can they not just take some time to understand? It is like they just don’t want to try!

Do they not also see that this stubbornness on their part is a big part of the problem? They are not open to any other perspective on the issue. Why is it so obvious to you and so obscure to them? How can this be? Why can they just not see it?

Yet it also seems the harder you push for them to see your view, the harder they push back. The more bulldozer you use, the more solid and immovable they become. This keeps going until the hole you create is so deep that it is hard to back out of your own, entrenched position.

What a nightmare.

To fix things though, sometimes you just need to start again. You need to figure out how to build a more encompassing perspective. Knowing how to invite in, and review the other points of view is crucial.

Seeking to understand and leading with questions is a good way to do this. But, for it to work you must also listen to the answers. By asking a person "Why?" they believe certain things you give them the chance to participate as opposed to just capitulate. It also provides a great opportunity for you to "Test" your own views.

Another advantage of a  process of questioning is that it is easier for you and the other person to accept a new view if one is needed. With the right questioning you can remove some of the threat from the conversation. When people are threatened they often either want to fight or flee. Neither of which really helps when you are trying to find the best solution.

So try it, here is a few starter questions that may help, though I am sure you can come up with better ones of your own:

"Why is it you believe this is the case?"
"What would you do if it was your decision to make... why would you choose that?"
"For things to be as you suggest (now or in the future), what would need to be true?"

Good luck with it.

Have you tried this approach, how has it worked for you? Have you got some favourite questions you use? Have you ever been able to use a process of asking questions to diffuse or turn around a tight situation? It would be great to hear how this worked for you. Please leave me a comment or your suggestions in the comment box below, even if you don't necessarily agree, it would be good to hear your view. 

I was watching my daughter climb recently. She is a good climber and more than happy to go out on a limb, but as she moved into a part of the tree that she had not been in before she slowed right down and took each step very carefully.

Part of her concern was the strength of the branches, would they take her weight, were there ample holds to cling to? Tentatively but steadily she tested each new branch, placing her weight gently on it, checking other options as places to put her feet or as handholds and quietly she climbed higher into the canopy. High enough that it was me starting to position myself to catch her, or at least break her fall if she fell.

What I saw in her climbing though was the essence of a practical and progressive strategy being played out. She recognised that there was a risk in climbing and the consequences of the risk were sufficient to be cautious.

Even so the desire to reach higher, see more and just get to a point in the tree she was aiming for meant she needed to  put in place a process to test as she went. She was effectively checking every step and changing as needed.
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Taking smaller steps or testing the options is something all of us would likely do if it were us climbing in a new place. After all, a fall can have a dire outcome. Yet often businesses forget to include a deliberate process to test and adapt their plans when they create a strategy. 

Many times a vision is developed, a plan set up and then it is full-steam ahead to achieve it. It is almost like the presence of a formal, organised strategy lures us into a belief that we know for sure what the future will look like and simply need to get there.

Perhaps we believe the effort and absolute genius needed in creating a good strategy means that we are blind to the uncertainty that is in any projection of the future. As a result we have a reduced inclination to test as we go.

Constant checking, re-evaluating and redirecting can be the essence of a very strong strategy. The key is to be willing to change as we go. In putting this mindset in place from the start we are more open to new information as it becomes available.  

When being adaptive is woven into our approach it allows us to be more impartial around our assumptions. This sets us up to be open to new information and see what is working, or failing before any commitment has potentially dire consequences.

Being deliberate in reviewing what is happening and setting up very real criteria to measure success means at least we start with the right mind set in place. As we undertake that review we also need to be open to things going better than we initially planned. It would be a shame to miss success, just because it doesn't quite occur as planned.   
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So getting good information and being willing to test your beliefs as you go can make all the difference. After all better something breaks before you commit too heavily to it or it flies before you loose the opportunity to go with it, than when it is too late. It would seem even six year olds, climbing trees know that…
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Thanks for taking the time to read this through.  It would be great to hear if this has any application to you. Please take the opportunity to add a comment or tell us if it is of value in the space below. 

My wife handed me a book the other day and said what do you think about the discussion around routines? That sort of question is always risky. My first thoughts were, I am either up for a deliberation around how to implement something or a debate about the merits of the subject.

I remember one time agreeing that a particular colour looked great in a photo. I was then up ‘til the wee small hours of the morning, for the next fortnight, repainting the lounge.

Having learnt from this experience, I know sometimes it is best to lead with another question. However, several questions and some cautious probing later it turned out she was really seeking my opinion around routines. I have to say after that question, and a little more reading about “Decluttering” and establishing segments of calm in a family world, I realised how important routines are to me, and those around me.

In our family there are many routines. We have a dinner time routine, which I have to say I really enjoy. We have a routine for bed, children’s that is as I am still working on mine. For going to school, for reading books, for starting and ending stories, for jumping out of bed. In fact when we started to discuss it we realised we had many routines, embedded across our lives.

The interesting thing was not that they were there; it was where they were and how important they were in helping us each day. It would seem having these little bastions of consistency provides opportunities to reset ourselves. They allow us to refocus or simply get started with things without masses of energetic outlay.

Routines are part of the canvas and backdrop upon which we are able to create the masterpiece that is our lives. They are woven into the very fabric of what and how we tackle, move through, and then conclude each day.

As a result of my wife’s question I spent a bit of time looking at some of the discussion around routines. People have all sorts of different routines, some bordering on superstitions, but they are everywhere. 

These little pieces of regularity ensure that we don’t have to start every day a new, then try and discover what to do. They help us to avoid the need for “Fifty First Dates,” constantly, in everything we do. They also mean we don’t need to use quite so much mental bandwidth, because often we are following the same routine.

As a result routines also offer security. Our routines create some idea of what each day will contain before it starts and provide a place of safety when we need a little mental space.

But what happens to routines and us when we need to make a change? Often it is the possible impact of a change on these consistencies in our lives that can create one of the principle drivers to resist. Yet they can and will end up being a key part of our survival, providing a foundation from which to fully integrate the change and find a place to excel.

During changes these little pockets of consistency are where we can find respite from all the busyness around us. They are where we could literally breathe in and in those in breaths we can slow down, catch up a little and start adjusting to our new circumstance.

So when adapting routines are critical. We need to think which ones we can keep, what new ones we will need and how or where will we build them. It is often about taking what we already do and modifying it slightly.

Once we have started this process of routine recovery we have the basis for re-establishing our world and dealing with all that has changed. We can then build out from there.

So holding on to parts of what we do and possibly have always done can be a critical step in finding our way in a new world. The important piece can be in learning and knowing which routines to keep and which to change. For just as our lives change so do our routines. We must adapt them to new circumstance as we move forward, holding on to what works and gently shedding what is not needed.

The importance of routines in our daily lives has been known for a long time. Lots of people have quite strong routines that work well even as their lives are shifted. What routines do you have? How do they support you as you live and work? When things around you are in a state of change, how do routines help? We would like to hear your views, drop a comment below or simply tell us if this has been of use to you. We look forward to getting your feedback… 

​Don’t you hate it when you are so upset or angry about a change to your plans that you become so focused on it that you are almost obsessed? This focus and the annoyance that comes with the change start to occupy far too much of your mental capacity. In fact they begin to draw you away from finding alternate solutions or looking for other ways of making the most from the new situation.
 
And isn’t it even worse when you know that you are doing it. You are so stuck in this whirl of anger that you can not find the oomph needed to start brainstorming new options, or just figure out how to get things working well again. It is like the creative bit that allows you to be innovative is completely stormed by the raw angry bit and you know it.
 
Despite your best efforts to reactivate your normal adaptive mechanisms your best self just won’t come quick enough. You can see that opportunities could be created, but they just won’t come. So now there are two frustrations, the first related to the actual change and the second related to your reaction to it.
 
However, these emotions are part of us. We are designed to react to things that happen. Our flight or fight sensors are ever present and it takes time to ride these out and then figure out how to respond appropriately. Sometimes we need to give ourselves that time and be a little compassionate with ourselves for being human.
 
There are things that we can do. Talking it through with others, even being able to safely vent can assist, though we need to be cautious not to escalate things by venting to those who are supporting the change, as often that can just end up in a debate. Getting some space, physical or mental or ideally both often makes a big difference. Meditation or relaxation, a break away or even just a short burst of exercise can all help.
 
The objective is to create a gap in which to reorientate. In sailing it is referred to as finding the clear air, where the breeze is steady and consistent and a crew is not constantly reacting to wind shifts. The idea is to use this place to see things differently, reframe the problem and start adjusting to what this new reality will mean. Ideally to find the opportunities that it may contain.
 
The fear is that we don’t find the clear air needed to realign to our new reality. That our energy is so focused on being angry, or scared, or even just lost that we can’t use our capacity to start replanning or adjusting. In this space we may need help.
 
That help could come from coaching or an employee assistance programme. It may come from our own social network or even other professional services. In fact personal support networks can play a big part in our feeling secure enough to risk taking on a change.
 
While ideally we would be infinitely adaptive and do so in the flick of an eyelid, the reality is it does take time to change. But more often than not we do adapt and knowing that we have adapted in the past and will again in the future is of its self encouraging. So finding some space and being gentle when ours or others assimilation of a new reality is not quite as instant as we would like is part of trusting ourselves and others to get to the other side.

Recently I have been assisting a community organisation through a period of extensive change. This has been a fulfilling, though on occasions challenging activity.

Many of those involved have a real vested interest in the status quo. In many cases this stems from a very strong role in building it, so it is understandable that the change is a struggle for them.

Too often we forget that history is more than just old stories for some people. They were part of it, those old stories are about them and people who worked with them in pursuit of the dream that has not only become, but in some cases been the reality.

It is no wonder that often key people in our organisations have a very strong attachment to what has been. It contains many of the memories and embedded beliefs of those who developed it and at the time they may well have been changing the world.

While it is true that in moving through a change we often can not stop, or even really falter for these people, it is worth thinking how best to support them. Often they are an important part of our history.

While we can not always bring them on board and take them with us through the change, we may still be able to honour their part in us having an organisation or opportunity from which to strive for a new reality. Though, in that, it is worth remembering, our current drive for something new, will also one day be yesterday’s initiative. Such is the nature of change.

How would we like to be treated when our current vision is old and no longer of value. It is a worthwhile consideration as we work with those who are currently struggling to grasp a new reality…